'Whose birthday is it today?' This question invariably pops up in my head on certain days of the year. Usually it is in the months of July August and October. But this time it was repeatedly coming to my mind in May. I jogged my memory and remembered an old friend whose birthday falls on May 12. I decided to wish her.
On 12 May night I opened my old Yahoo account and searched her name and sent her birthday wishes. As was expected I got a prompt reply the very next day. She was delighted to get my email and about the fact that I still remember her birthday. I could imagine how she must've looked when she saw my email. She was one of the prettiest girls in my MBA class, tall and slender, sharp featured, pearly white teeth and a beautiful smile, bubbly and lively, always gesturing with her hands when talking, her eyes wide open with excitement. She was an excellent dancer. Very hard working with boundless energy. She had it all in her yet she wasn't popular. It was something in her personality, what was it, I can't say. A year after our MBA she sent an email with her photograph from her wedding day announcing she was married. What a pleasant surprise it was. She looked stunning, a perfect bride. She could've given competition to any ramp model. A close friend of hers told me later that she married her childhood sweetheart who is a hot shot in the corporate world now.
Anyway she wrote she was glad to be back in touch and that she had two beautiful kids now and was back at work after taking break for a few years.
Come to think of it she had it all that any girl could dream of. But I was not green! I mean green with jealousy!! I didn't want to be in her shoes. I'm not a saint. I exercise all the negative and positive emotions of life in varying proportions. But it was something about her which didn't make me jealous. This latest interaction explained it well.
Once she had shared her bit, it was normal for her to be curious about what I was up to in the last decade or so post our MBA. I told her where I was based and sent her my number asking her to add me on chat. Strangely she insisted I write to her about myself in detail first. She said she would chat with me later. I was a little amused. I'm not a prospective match. I'm an old friend trying to reconnect. Was it some sort of a check before extending a hand of friendship again?
Anyway careless that I'm, I ignored it. Instead I was in two minds if I should share with her the highlights or rather the 'low' lights of my life which unfortunately I've had many!!
But now that I've made peace with my past, I decided to briefly share with her whatever I had been through. Especially since I had shared it all recently with my hostel friends. And they were all non judgemental as they are one hell of a loving set of people. They were sad and some were even furious that I stayed away from everyone for so many years and suffered all of it alone. They were like what are we for? Only the good times?
I assumed I will get a similar reaction from this friend as well so I wasn't hesitent in sharing it with her. Plus I feel if we start a relationship with honesty, it builds trust even when sitting miles away.
We exchanged a few eager emails in a span of 3 days. As decided, I wrote briefly about myself this time, and that I'm happy that she's back at work and sent love for her littlies. But even before I sent this email I had a weird feeling that some thing is amiss. Not that I'd written anything wrong or inappropriate. But I'd a feeling this is headed nowhere.
That is what happened. She read my last email and chose not to respond. I sent another email asking if all is well at her end but I didn't get any response to it either even after two months.
I was sad and shocked initially. And yes I was furious. I decided to write to her but then I realised it's not my duty to remind people to be empathetic or to be non judgemental but I felt it is pertinent that I do something about it so that people see this world with more compassion. For that first I had to have compassion for the ignorants.
A normal person with a normal happy life when suddenly hears something like this about an old friend is first shocked and surprised. Then relieved that nothing like this happened to themselves. And the third reaction is of either sympathy or of a certain degree of triumph, that now they're better of than that person. In the latter scenario, you look down at them, you don't hold as much respect for them in your hearts. For her it wasn't just respect, she chose not to interact at all. Someone who hasn't experienced it cannot understand pain. And the normal reaction is to look down at people. What is in your heart comes out in your words or actions someway or the other unknowingly. That's what happened in her case.
It gets me thinking what is a comfortable life worth if it disables empathy in your heart. What is a good fortune worth if you can't put yourself in a friend's shoes. Maybe that's why she wasn't popular. Anyway that's not why I'm writing this post. It is to find an answer to the question - why does it happen? Why do we lack compassion?
We don't know what lies in future for anyone. Who wants to suffer? Not you, not me, no one. But misfortune happens. And no matter what you do, you can't be future safe.
Things haven't fallen in place for anyone just like that or because they'd planned it that way but because God wanted it that way. It is all in God's hands. Good or bad. Being able to see God's hand in everything is humbling but that takes lot of wisdom. What was that wisdom that my friend lacked?
Let's begin by our physical being. Our body or our physical being is on a journey of its own in this world governed by the principles of Mother Nature. Did our body check with us before gaining height or weight? Does it check with adolescent boys before it changes their voice or grows beard? Or turns our hair grey? Does it check with us before getting infections? Or cancer? No! Because it is controlled by Nature. And this same Mother Nature has fitted a brain in each one of us. That is to fend for this body we live in.
With all these changes observe that your sense of Self doesn't change whether you were a child or a man. That sense of being remains constant, it doesn't increase or decrease with time nor does it change in any situation. It remains intact even after deep slumber or unconsciousness. Everyone has the same sense of self whether they are rich or poor, cultured or uncultured, intelligent or dull.
That Self or Soul is a tiny indivisible part of the God Almighty, the unborn eternal immortal supreme power. That Self or soul exists in every living being that you see around you which means God resides in each one of us.
But when we identify ourselves only with our physical being, we let only our mind drive our actions. And since the mind is the boss of this fragile perishable body, it has the sole purpose of prolonging the life of this body. Sadly the mind has it's limitations. You must've experienced how difficult it is to control our mind. Sometimes it is peaceful, sometimes it's agitated, sometimes desirous of sensual gratification, or ponderous about future, lamenting about past, sometimes worrying about the loved ones and at other times relaxed. It is because the mind is driven by the senses and the heart. Both are restless and desirous of newer ways of gratifications always. All that gives birth to desires greed anger pride and envy which have been rightly described as five thieves. Would you let these thieves write the story of your life? Or the calm and content soul, an atom of the omniscient, omnipotent God, the creator of all the worlds who shovers His causeless mercy and love equally on all of us? Your choice completely but try to avoid greed pride anger ego envy and make way for compassion, patience, humility, and love for all. You will be surprised to see the limitless capability you have to love everyone regardless of who they are. And if you can't do that then ask yourself this question - Animals also have souls and they also fend for themselves like we do! How are we any different? What are we doing in this human body? What is the purpose of our life on this earth, is it just to live a better comfortable life that the mind asks for? I will answer this question in a different post with a different case some other day.
On 12 May night I opened my old Yahoo account and searched her name and sent her birthday wishes. As was expected I got a prompt reply the very next day. She was delighted to get my email and about the fact that I still remember her birthday. I could imagine how she must've looked when she saw my email. She was one of the prettiest girls in my MBA class, tall and slender, sharp featured, pearly white teeth and a beautiful smile, bubbly and lively, always gesturing with her hands when talking, her eyes wide open with excitement. She was an excellent dancer. Very hard working with boundless energy. She had it all in her yet she wasn't popular. It was something in her personality, what was it, I can't say. A year after our MBA she sent an email with her photograph from her wedding day announcing she was married. What a pleasant surprise it was. She looked stunning, a perfect bride. She could've given competition to any ramp model. A close friend of hers told me later that she married her childhood sweetheart who is a hot shot in the corporate world now.
Anyway she wrote she was glad to be back in touch and that she had two beautiful kids now and was back at work after taking break for a few years.
Come to think of it she had it all that any girl could dream of. But I was not green! I mean green with jealousy!! I didn't want to be in her shoes. I'm not a saint. I exercise all the negative and positive emotions of life in varying proportions. But it was something about her which didn't make me jealous. This latest interaction explained it well.
Once she had shared her bit, it was normal for her to be curious about what I was up to in the last decade or so post our MBA. I told her where I was based and sent her my number asking her to add me on chat. Strangely she insisted I write to her about myself in detail first. She said she would chat with me later. I was a little amused. I'm not a prospective match. I'm an old friend trying to reconnect. Was it some sort of a check before extending a hand of friendship again?
Anyway careless that I'm, I ignored it. Instead I was in two minds if I should share with her the highlights or rather the 'low' lights of my life which unfortunately I've had many!!
But now that I've made peace with my past, I decided to briefly share with her whatever I had been through. Especially since I had shared it all recently with my hostel friends. And they were all non judgemental as they are one hell of a loving set of people. They were sad and some were even furious that I stayed away from everyone for so many years and suffered all of it alone. They were like what are we for? Only the good times?
I assumed I will get a similar reaction from this friend as well so I wasn't hesitent in sharing it with her. Plus I feel if we start a relationship with honesty, it builds trust even when sitting miles away.
We exchanged a few eager emails in a span of 3 days. As decided, I wrote briefly about myself this time, and that I'm happy that she's back at work and sent love for her littlies. But even before I sent this email I had a weird feeling that some thing is amiss. Not that I'd written anything wrong or inappropriate. But I'd a feeling this is headed nowhere.
That is what happened. She read my last email and chose not to respond. I sent another email asking if all is well at her end but I didn't get any response to it either even after two months.
I was sad and shocked initially. And yes I was furious. I decided to write to her but then I realised it's not my duty to remind people to be empathetic or to be non judgemental but I felt it is pertinent that I do something about it so that people see this world with more compassion. For that first I had to have compassion for the ignorants.
A normal person with a normal happy life when suddenly hears something like this about an old friend is first shocked and surprised. Then relieved that nothing like this happened to themselves. And the third reaction is of either sympathy or of a certain degree of triumph, that now they're better of than that person. In the latter scenario, you look down at them, you don't hold as much respect for them in your hearts. For her it wasn't just respect, she chose not to interact at all. Someone who hasn't experienced it cannot understand pain. And the normal reaction is to look down at people. What is in your heart comes out in your words or actions someway or the other unknowingly. That's what happened in her case.
It gets me thinking what is a comfortable life worth if it disables empathy in your heart. What is a good fortune worth if you can't put yourself in a friend's shoes. Maybe that's why she wasn't popular. Anyway that's not why I'm writing this post. It is to find an answer to the question - why does it happen? Why do we lack compassion?
We don't know what lies in future for anyone. Who wants to suffer? Not you, not me, no one. But misfortune happens. And no matter what you do, you can't be future safe.
Things haven't fallen in place for anyone just like that or because they'd planned it that way but because God wanted it that way. It is all in God's hands. Good or bad. Being able to see God's hand in everything is humbling but that takes lot of wisdom. What was that wisdom that my friend lacked?
Let's begin by our physical being. Our body or our physical being is on a journey of its own in this world governed by the principles of Mother Nature. Did our body check with us before gaining height or weight? Does it check with adolescent boys before it changes their voice or grows beard? Or turns our hair grey? Does it check with us before getting infections? Or cancer? No! Because it is controlled by Nature. And this same Mother Nature has fitted a brain in each one of us. That is to fend for this body we live in.
With all these changes observe that your sense of Self doesn't change whether you were a child or a man. That sense of being remains constant, it doesn't increase or decrease with time nor does it change in any situation. It remains intact even after deep slumber or unconsciousness. Everyone has the same sense of self whether they are rich or poor, cultured or uncultured, intelligent or dull.
That Self or Soul is a tiny indivisible part of the God Almighty, the unborn eternal immortal supreme power. That Self or soul exists in every living being that you see around you which means God resides in each one of us.
But when we identify ourselves only with our physical being, we let only our mind drive our actions. And since the mind is the boss of this fragile perishable body, it has the sole purpose of prolonging the life of this body. Sadly the mind has it's limitations. You must've experienced how difficult it is to control our mind. Sometimes it is peaceful, sometimes it's agitated, sometimes desirous of sensual gratification, or ponderous about future, lamenting about past, sometimes worrying about the loved ones and at other times relaxed. It is because the mind is driven by the senses and the heart. Both are restless and desirous of newer ways of gratifications always. All that gives birth to desires greed anger pride and envy which have been rightly described as five thieves. Would you let these thieves write the story of your life? Or the calm and content soul, an atom of the omniscient, omnipotent God, the creator of all the worlds who shovers His causeless mercy and love equally on all of us? Your choice completely but try to avoid greed pride anger ego envy and make way for compassion, patience, humility, and love for all. You will be surprised to see the limitless capability you have to love everyone regardless of who they are. And if you can't do that then ask yourself this question - Animals also have souls and they also fend for themselves like we do! How are we any different? What are we doing in this human body? What is the purpose of our life on this earth, is it just to live a better comfortable life that the mind asks for? I will answer this question in a different post with a different case some other day.
Also goes out to show, place your affections with care! Very often we are led on to believe that companionship is the same as friendship. In reality, though, they are two different things. Anyone who is amiable, witty and charming is likely be surrounded with companions. He or she may fail abysmally when it comes to really helping in tough times or sharing and compassionate in the lows of life. So, every time you share a hearty laugh with a bunch of companions in any society, look out for those outside the circle, too. For your real friends may be somewhere in the shadows, who may not belong here, but can be your staunch friends in deed.
ReplyDeleteVery true! Reminds me of a true story 'Dear Kate' of
ReplyDeletehow a grieving mother who lost her young daughter sorts good friends from the not so compassionate ones.
http://www.indianapolismonthly.com/news-opinion/dear-kate-living-with-grief/